Bathelona win the Battle of Keynsham

Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, directed by Abel Ferrera, starring some coked-up scientologists, this was a game that lived up to the billing. It had everything you want in a game, and a couple of the things you don't, but as the crowds dispersed it was clear that this was one of those "where were you when" moments - the Kennedy assassination, the Twin Towers, Peter Beagrie going past the same player 4 times, and Bathelona beating Barely Athletic 6-5.

Goal: Nick

Defence: Colin, Batts, Chris, Jim

Midfield: Sam, Alex, Mike, Andy

Attack: Lefils, Jim S

Sub/Ref: Danny

Before the game new manager (one of 'em) Danny selected the team and sacrificed himself to the bench, not only depriving himself of the first half but also taking the whistle. The back four lined up as above, and they were soon at the centre of proceedings as Bathelona started like a team in form, their pass-and-move ethos putting Barely's huff-and-puff slightly in the shade. And sure enough, the game was in it's infancy when Bathelona found the back of the net, scything through the massed Barely ranks like a cold-hearted killer gunning down fleeing, terrified footballers - before kicking the ball into the net, really hard.

However, if Bathelona thought they had the measure of Barely, they had reckoned without the equally-cold-hearted finishing of Jim and Lefils up front - who were not in the mood to spurn any opportunities, no matter how flimsy they might have appeared to the mere mortals further back in the formation. First, Jim picked his spot from the right to pummel the ball into the net and bring Barely back on level terms: 1:1. And when Nick could only push a low shot into the net and Bathelona went ahead again, Lefils pulled the same trick from the left. 2:2.

Barely began to believe, and the head of steam this old loco can sometimes brew up when the mood takes was beginning to scorch the Bathelona back line. Jim found some space in the middle and side-footed goalwards - saved! No matter. Jim collected the rebound and calmly slotted in, showing a coolness of head most Barely players only achieve when wellying the ball out for a throw-in. Barely were, somewhat astonishingly, 3:2 up. And for the first time Bathelona were rattled; misplacing passes, allowing themselves to be tackled as Sam and Andy pushed on from the wings to augment the forward line and Mike and Alex won everything in midfield. This correspondent remains convinced that had Barely scored again before half-time to go two goals up, the match was theirs.

But who knows? Because neither team was willing to crumble. Danny put himself in goal for the second half as Colin - serial tackle-winner - took the whistle. Nick went right-wing and Sam dropped to right back. The second half began at a lively tempo, but it wasn't quite the classic punch-and-counter-punch of the first. Yet.

Barely were living on their nerves, however, as Bathelona's encroachment neared the goal-line. Danny pulled off a couple of saves, Sam blocked on the line, and they were grateful when a Bathelona attacker spring past Danny only to hit the side-netting. Then finally: the goal.

But it's hard to say exactly how the goal came, as so many followed it. Having broken the Barely dam, Bathelona found it increasingly easy to do so again, and again Barely were grateful for the sublime finishing of Jim and Lefils in attack. Every time Bathelona went in front - 3-4, 4-5 - they found an equaliser as the game became stretched. Tempers were also stretched, as Lefils and his opposite number began a running battle that more and more people became involved in in an attempt to shut them both up. Jim got his hat-trick from a hotly-debated sublime chip/random welly forrward from Chris, who'd moved into midfield.

Bathelona went ahead again when a cut-back from the by-line was converted - however the Barely defence was convinced the ball had gone out - but with no linesman on the left, Colin allowed the goal to stand. Lefils' reply caused a similar debate, as this time the Bathelona defence insisted his finish from the left (in off a defender) had also gone over the line. This time there was a linesman - Bathelona's - but he wasn't keeping up with play and again the goal stood. The match was becoming a little fractious by now, which was a shame as both teams obviously set out to play the right way, but any post-match debate as to the rights and wrongs of a draw were spared when Bathelona had the last word, a third long-range finish over the now-injured-and-in-goal Alex to seal the points. Barely simply had no time to come back from this one, and the game ended with a defeat for the boys in black and yellow.

Man of the match was a hard one to call after such a humungous effort against a very good team, but Batts pipped Jim to the gong after a series of high-speed last-ditch tackles let Bathelona know this would be no stroll in the park.

So, the new regime begins with a defeat, but managers Danny, Mike and Colin will be happy with the attitude. For Barely, this particular blockbuster doesn't have a happy ending - but there's room for a sequel.

Season Opener Finds Barely Shut Out

Barely Athletic 1 Mathern 3

Goal: Matt

Defence: Ian, Batts, Danny, Colin

Midfield: Fisch, Richie C, Mike G, Sam

Attack: Lefils, Jim

Sub: Sean

Finally the season is here, but any burgeoning optimism about the coming campaign was flattened by a bruising encounter with Mathern, who came back from a goal down to put Barely comprehensively to the sword.

A reasonably feisty encounter, this; Mathern are one of those sides who gee themselves up by trading insults and run a kind of ongoing critique of each other's failings - and the ref's, and Barely's - throughout the game. The tone was set when Mathern, having delayed the kick-off for over half an hour, told Richie to "fuck off" when he tried to hurry them along. Not quite the Casuals ethos, but whatever.

Barely themselves were, as ever, scratching for numbers, and thankfully Jacko's brother Ian and Matt "the Cat" stepped up to the plate, along with Wednesday regular Fisch making his 11-a-side debut. And Barely looked a decent unit, seeing off some early Mathern pressure to put together a tidy move that ended with Jim sweeping them into the lead from just inside the box.

With Barely on top, Rich took the opportunity to bring on the fresh (and fast) legs of Sean, Sam taking a break on the touchline. Mathern kept the pressure up, however, and though their hopes were oft-dashed on the rocks of Barely obduracy, they found the breakthrough from a corner, a bullet header giving Matt - who moments later pulled off the save of the game, tipping another header over the bar - no chance and the scores at half-time were 1-1.

Second half began with a bit of attack and counter-attack as both teams looked for the breakthrough. Mathern for the time being were forced to try their luck from distance and Matt snapped the efforts up easily. At the other end a great move involving Sean and Richie ended with Jim hitting the ball narrowly wide. Lefils was having a great game but was on the receiving end of some hefty challenges and was becoming increasingly irate - could he keep it together until full-time?

Running personal duels were rendered meaningless however when Mathern finished the game - as they had last season's encounter in Wales - the stronger; firing in not one, but two goals to give them what Barely must concede was a deserved win for their persistence. There was still time for Fizzy and the Mathern number 10 to trade insults at length, and also throw the ball at each other's heads from close-quarters. You don't see women doing THAT in a nightclub, do you? A bit of appreciation for the late drama, everyone please.

Matt shaded the man of the match award with the voting spread wide: Batts, Richie and Mike shared runner-up position, though to be fair there were no weak links today - everyone played very well, but Barely just ran out of air before the 90 minutes were up.

So hats off to Mathern for the win. Wouldn't want to spend Christmas with them, though.

End of Season!

Unfortunately the Barely Reporter was unable to attend the end of season bash, as we are currently fighting a legal case with the state over - allegedly - reading an email over somebody's shoulder. But Manager/cajoler-in-chief/left-back Rich Batten was good enough to send us the end of season statistics, which we relate for your delectation below.

Barely Athletic, season results 2010-2011:

P W D L F A Pts Pos

10 5 1 4 23 29 16 4th

Top Five goalscorers:

8 Jim S

4 Manrouf/Rich Batten

2 Lefils/Richie C

Top Three Appearances (out of a possible 9):

9 Rich Batten/Mike Graney

8 Joe Daniel

Players player of the year:

Rich Batten

(runner up Joe 'Danny' Daniel)

Clubman of the Year:

Mike Graney

Manager's player of the year:

"I was torn between Manny who I think has had his best season, Ian, who was an absolute rock at the back and Jacko and Danny who when playing did everything competently. But for his 7 appearances and several man of the match performances.... it's Ian."

Special Award for Motivation:

"Obvious really........Danny!"

Barely can't do the Math

Mathern 4 Barely Athletic 2

Goal: Nick

Defence: Sam, Batts, Chris, Ian

Midfield: Mike, Lefils, Jacko, Mani

Attack: Jim, John

Sub: Injured Colin

Lino: Very injured Phil

So, Barely signed off the season, and Rich Batten's last match in charge - save for a coerced u-turn in the face of peer-pressure - with a defeat. But the story of the match was one of defiance as a scratch team containing no less than three newbies - 'Tats' Chris, 'Striker' John and 'Jacko's brother' Ian - put together a performance that belied the threadbare structure. In the end, it was fatigue that did for them, as with 80 minutes on the clock and Mathern subbing like an editor with a late-night deadline, the pressure told.

But it was Barely who twice led, though both goals had an element of luck. The pattern of the game was set as Barely soaked up the Mathern pressure and then counter-attacked at speed; but the goal was down to harrassing the Mathern back-line as Mike forced a defender into an under-hit back pass - and Jim was on it in a flash, belting the ball first time past the keeper.

The game returned to it's normal pattern of to-and-fro, but to be fair Barely were sailing close to the wind on a number of occasions as runners came through from the Mathern midfield and weren't picked up. A combination of blocks, catches from Nick and the odd wayward finish kept Barely ahead, but when Mathern did force the ball in, it felt it had been coming. 1-1.

Again, Barely went ahead, and this time Chris' deep free kick from only ten yards past the halfway line was allowed - bizarrely - to bounce in the box, from where it sailed over the Mathern keeper to put Barely 2-1 up. And it might have been 3-1 had John's snap-shot effort clipped the other side of the post - who knows what that would have done to Mathern? Instead though, they came back off the ropes, and after another period of sustained attacking scored the best goal of the game with a far-post finish after they sliced the Barely back line apart.

Halftime came with the score at 2-2, and Mike and Nick swapped positions with all else staying the same, save for Colin's periodical appearances to give people a breather. But with the wind against Barely in the second half they began on the back foot, and credit to the back line that the opening salvo from Mathern led to nought. Barely eked their way back into the game through the midfield promptings of Lefils and Jacko and the control of Jim upfront.

But the goal wouldn't come for either side, and as the half wore on Mathern used the roll-on subs to good effect, utilising their eighty-four subs at every dead ball to keep their legs fresh. And as the game reached it's closing stages the pressure told when they finally broke through the back line to go ahead for the first time in the game. And having conceded, Barely lost all shape as they went for broke looking for an equaliser, and instead let another one in. It might have been worse - the ref disallowed what looked like a valid goal at 3-2 and Mike produced an astonishing double-block from point-blank range as the Barely collapse took on proportions that were probably visible from space. It was a shame to end a tightly contested match as a bit of a shambles but, as we have noted above, by this time Barely were spent from their valiant efforts, and in that sense it crystallized a stirring season.

Jim took man of the match by a distance, though there were nods to Rich, Fizzy, Chris and Ian. Your correspondent would like to nominate the whole back line for their bellicose obduracy, but perhaps that's because I don't normally play there... anyway, nobody was too down after this, and the Barely Reporter would like to thank Batts (and Nick and Ioan for organisation roles) for taking the management mantle these past two seasons. Barely will finish fourth or fifth and for an aging team who often struggle to get an eleven out, that has to be defined as a roaring success.

Well done everyone.

Ten-Man Barely Turn the Tide

Barely Athletic 3 Russell Athletic 2

Goal: Mike

Defence: Colin, Danny, Batts

Midfield: Sam, Richie, Lefils, Jim Banton

Attack: Jim, Ioan

No subs.

An incredible game unfolded at Fry's this morning under blistering April sun. Barely were never more aptly named as they failed to make a scratch eleven; dutifully went two goals down before scoring three in the second half to take all three points and confirm their top-flight status for another year into the bargain. They had a bit of luck, as we shall see, but not enough to outweigh 90 whopping minutes a man short.

Batts from the start elected to go for an attacking line-up, reasoning that defending for 90 minutes wasn't really Barely's forté. So it was a 3-4-3 formation (see above) that took to the field as Barely kicked off. Danny led the three-man back line with Jim Banton and Sam playing as wing-backs, expected to both attack and defend, a novel idea that everyone obviously scoffed at until it transpired the manager was totally serious. Sam and Jim would just have to rise to it.

However it was a sinking feeling Barely felt first, as despite gamely putting on a show and having an equal share of possession - so much so many of the Russell players didn't realise they were a man down - after ten or so minutes Colin was tackled just outside the box and a Russell forward poked the ball past Mike - who got a foot to it - and somewhat forlornly into the net. Early days though, and Colin was to make up for that error, and worm his way into the man of the match reckoning, with a rigorous showing in defence. But - no sooner had Barely begun to feel their way back into the game than a hammer blow came with a second, the ball pinging around in the box like a pinball before finally being hooked over the line for Russell's second. A two-goal lead and definitely the sort of virtual cushion Russell could be forgiven for leaning back on. Barely had one or two chances to pull back, and Sam's cross-shot ricocheted off the bar, but at the break it looked bleak for Barely.

However, the claims that they were playing well did not ring hollow - everyone felt there still might be something to be had from the game. Mike deserves a round of applause for volunteering to stay in goal - not where he pines to be - as everyone agreed that keeping the team the same would be a good move.

And lo, shortly after kick-off the footballing clouds parted as Jim scored a goal of great beauty to put Barely right back in it. Some lovely build-up play still left Jim with a job to do in the box, and he shimmied past a couple of challenges and finished neatly into the corner. Tails began to wag, and only five minutes later they were level, Batts keeping up his astonishing scoring record by seeing his freekick bounce once in the box, over the keeper and in. Amazing stuff from Barely.

Shortly after this point however the Russell number 6 headed goalwards and thought he'd put the away team back in the box seat. The ball came off the inside of the post and Mike's hands were definitely pointing backwards as he plucked it from inside the net. All of the ball over all of the line? No-one was one hundred percent certain but it did look most plausible. However neither Bob nor the linesman (Jim Banton's son) had a decisive view, and play was waved on. In fact Barely nearly scored from the counter as Jim teed up Ioan in the box, who miscued. He rescued the ball and fed Batts, but the attack fizzled out. For ten minutes it looked like perhaps Barely were spent, having given everything to get themselves level. Russell were edging things and the Barely rearguard was busy. But then on a rare counter Lefils found himself in the box and clipped a shot at the near post. The keeper might have done better but the ball nestled into the net and the ten men of Barely were, incredibly, ahead.

There was still time for either side to score again but there was an air of inevitability over the match and the scoreline, as though neither side could quite believe it and didn't want to pollute the drama with further, unnecessary chapters. Sure enough when Bob's whistle rang out the score said 3-2 to the home side and, by golly, what a game. Doughty handling - and one pivital punch clear - from Mike in goal; incredible blocks and tackles from all the back three and both wingbacks; great movement from the strikers and a master-class of midfield play meant the man-of-the-match award was wide-ranging in it's votes, but Richie took it for his I-can-play-in-three-positions-at-once display; in the first half especially he really let Russell know they were in a game.

Division one football next season, then, and in the meantime a chance to try and push up the table with the remaining three fixtures. Awesome stuff, Barely!

Class of 2011

Taken after defeat to Retainers, which is why we all look so happy...

Left to right: Manrouf, Alex, Batts, Danny, Dwez, Richie, Colin, Ian, Sam, Mike, Nick, Jim (1), Jim (2), Lefils

No Way Past Retaining Wall

Retainers 6 Barely Athletic 2

Goal: Nick

Defence: Batts, Ian, Danny, Colin

Midfield: Lefils, Dwez, Richie, Sam

Attack: Mike, Jim

Subs: Alex, Jim 2, Mani

Though the sun shone down on a celestial morning, a chilly wind blew through Barely's fortunes, and try as they might they simply could not get warm. They were given the shivers by a robust and and tidy Retainers side who showed why they've only lost one game this season as they swept Barely aside with a clinical performance.

Despite missing midfield anchors Rich Jackson and James Fry, this was a strong Barely line-up, but they didn't begin well, enduring a good 20 minutes of pressure from the home side without creating any real chances of note themselves. However, they didn't concede either, and were mathematically at least well in the game. Perversely they began to play better having finally let in the opening goal, but a couple of slightly wayward headers aside they created few chances, and limped into half-time having conceded twice more, lost Ian to a back injury and been forced to reshuffle, with Dwez now pulled back to central defence and Alex taking his place in the middle of the park.

It was, in all fairness, a bit of a cack display from Barely. They were allowing the Retainer's big number 6 acres of space to turn with the ball, and on the right Colin and Sam seemed to be engaged in a competition to see who could infuriate Fizzy the most with a series of wayward passes. Rich Batten brought Jim (2) on at right-back and Mani went on the left wing; Lefils pushing up alongside the isolated Jim. Everyone resolved to play a bit better in the second-half, and lo and behold the next goal went to Barely. A beauty it was too, after pinging a few passes around the outside of the area Fizzy put Jim (1) through on the right and his cross was met with a deft glancing header from the manager, Batts. "Like something off the telly" as Danny succinctly put it later.

However, like an errant knight who celebrates his treasure haul too early, Barely awoke the dragon. The goal galvanised Retainers. They moved up through the gears and smashed in three more goals - albeit two of them with some fortune; a mis-hit cross and a deflection in off Jim (2) - and though Barely did add another goal of their own, through Richie's 20yard daisy-cutter, the writing was on the wall. And the writing said "that's three points up the shitter".

At least Barely finished the game with no further injuries, but they will need to better this performance if they're to gain the one point they need from the last four games.

Dwez, the only player who seemed capable of dominating the ball on the day, cake-walked the Man of the Match award with seven votes; Richie was a distant runner-up and Jim (2) registered third place. Other positives were Mike positioned in the centre - he won a lot of headers there - and the fact that Barely could apportion a small amount of blame to the pitch, which was really bobbly. Though as they say in the hurly-burly of the FA Cup, when your team crashes out to lowly opposition on a mud-bath, it was "the same for both sides".

Unhappy End For Reunion

Barely Athletic 5 Reunion 2

Goal: Mike

Defence: Batts, Ian, Danny, Paul

Midfield: Andy, Alex, James Fry, Sam

Attack: James, Mani

Subs: Jim, Colin

Another three points in the bag for Rich Batten's side after a decent first half performance was followed by a vintage second one. Both sides were well up for this one but the game was a credit to the Casuals league in terms of spirit as well as performance; "a pleasure to referee" according to Bob, who had taken the whistle. And a pleasure to write up as well, after an enforced absence for the Barely Reporter. The presses are up and running again - thanks to Batts for stepping in with match reports for last three games.

The match started almost as briskly as the chilly wind that blew lazily across the AXA pitch as both sides carved out half-decent chances, and James tested the pace of the Reunion defence up front. But if anyone was assigning too much importance to the game they were sobered by a crunching of heads - as Paul dived into the back of the Reunion number 4 - and then James Fry being carried off after twisting his knee painfully - Jim came on in his stead as Barely reshuffled. Sam got in on the act with a scream of alleged agony - possibly a bit of embellishment - after a set of studs came down on his twisted foot. But then the game settled into a bit of football and it was James, opening his account for the afternoon, who set Barely on the way with a calm finish when finding himself one on one with the keeper.

Reunion came right back into it when a spell of decent possession ended with a shot wellied in from the edge of the box - though taking a fortunate deflection on the way. Back came Barely with a fortunate, nay silly, goal of their own, as James' corner was punched into his own net by the Reunion keeper. And as the half drew to it's conclusion it was Barely who shaded things, though no-one was under the illusion the second half would be a cakewalk - Reunion were still doing plenty with the ball but other than the one goal, had found Mike a formidable barrier to their efforts.

Second half started again with both teams having their moments, and it was Reunion who struck first, a very deft finish from a free-kick bypassing both defender and keeper. 2-2, and Reunion had a spell of being well on top as they sought to increase momentum. But Barely did not sway, and worked their way back into the game, Batts eventually getting their third after Mani and the goalkeeper obliterated each other in an attempt to reach the ball. Barely's manager swept home in the composed manner of an Aston Villa cast-off to put Barely back in front.

No looking back now - James, after another of his darting dribbles into the box, set Mani up to make it 4-2, then as Reunion's resolve finally faltered James got his sort-of hat-trick from the spot after being clearly tripped - no complaints from the Reunion boys. There was time for a little cameo at the end of the game from Colin as Barely sought to add even more goals but Reunion were still playing for pride and got the necessary tackles in.

Enough good work from James, then, to ensure a decent shout for Man of the Match, but in the end he was pipped by Mike Graney in what is being described as 'tactical voting' in terms of coaxing him into goal again - but tactical voting that was obviously inspired by his outstanding display between the sticks - so well done Mike. Andy's barnstorming midfield display saw him runner-up with other votes going to James, Ian, Alex and Sam.

So a great day at the office for everyone, except poor James Fry, who would probably have been better off in an actual office, changing a lightbulb or something. We wish him a speedy recovery.