Barely suffer surprise probe at hands of Flying Saucers

Barely Athletic 5 Flying Saucers 5

Goal: Steve

Defence: Danny, Tom P, Phil, Rich B

Midfield: Sam, Rich J, Jim, Mike

Attack: Mani, Lefils

Sub: Rich Sloper, Richie Cormack

It was the biggest ding-dong battle since the great doorbell war of 1974, when Nutone eventually bought up Brighton Electrics in a hostile takeover after a prolonged and very public financial war. Somehow, Barely found themselves 3-1 up despite playing no better than when they conceded the opening goal in their ongoing tradition of opening sluggishness. Flying Saucers rallied, and went into the break 3-4 up. Barely found some form and got back to 5-4, only to give away a cheap goal with what was the last kick of the game.

Our correspondent was granted exclusive access to Barely's dressing room for the post-mortem, but found disappointingly that constructing the game from these disparate interpretations would be rather like getting the description of an absent clown from a load of colour-blind amnesiacs. Only Rich Jackson seemed able to give a version of events that seemed calm and objective - rather like the type of performances Rich Jackson puts in week in and out, with nary a mention in the Barely Reporter - as Rich Jackson was quick to point out last month. The Barely Reporter is working on a appearances-to-mentions table to examine his claims which we will be publishing in the future.

But back to the game. Barely had almost their full complement of Riches, with only Rich Walters missing, as long-term absentee Rich Sloper made a return to the squad after a succession of presumably lazy Sundays. Richie Cormack gamely refereed the first half, Rich Batten began at left-back and Rich 'Action' Jackson took up his unsung role in midfield. Lefils and Manrouf supplied the 'French Connection' as they paired up to spearhead the attack, their moniker presumably inspired by the gritty 1971 film by William Friedkin and not the pastelly-toned high street shop of the same name who have somehow made billions from deliberately misspelling a swearword. Also, they're both French. At the back Phil and Tom P formed the centre of defence and Danny took up the left-back position behind Mike.

But despite the apparent strength of Barely's line-up they began in a fairly half-arsed fashion. Flying Saucers to be fair were not playing total football - they were just doing the simple things well, and it was enough to see Barely looking slightly dazzled. The away side took a deserved lead early on as Barely reeled around in a collective daze. It took the magic boots of Rich Batten, setting out his stall for the man-of-the-match award he ultimately won, to batter in an equalizer after Barely finally managed to exert some coherent pressure. Rich Jackson had been urging him to shoot, and he did.

Not to be forgotten, Lefils controlled a ball on the right, and from a narrow angle rifled the ball into the top left corner to give Barely the lead. And despite Flying Saucers still looking better at this stage in almost every aspect (except when they encountered the determined and on-form Rich Batten), Lefils added his second and Barely's third when he despatched Mike's cross from the left to put his team 3-1 up. For both goals Barely were grateful to have Rich Jackson lurking in midfield.

But the game was a long way from over. To credit Flying Saucers, their heads never went down - probably because they knew the lead flattered Barely. And in the course of about eight mad minutes they scored three goals to ease them into the break a very creditable 4-3 up.

The team needed a shake-up, and Richie got out the broom for the changes. Jim had already agreed to ref the second half, so Rich Sloper joined Rich Jackson in centre-midfield, Richie himself went wide left, coming on for Sam, and Steve and Mike swapped positions. The changes had the desired effect, as immediately Richie's manic energy put the opposition under pressure and forced the game to up a gear. Barely looked a different team, as suddenly Flying Saucers were no longer carving out openings but Barely were instead. And again, Lefils was the one to capitalise as he first dribbled around the keeper to put Barely level (Rich Jackson disappointingly nowhere to be seen) and then gave the home team the lead, when Rich Batten galloped past a couple of challenges and put in a cross we are contractually bound to describe as a 'peach', leaving Lefils with the job of nodding into the net.

Thereafter Barely were dominant and really should have built on their lead. Lefils set up Sam, who was on for Mani, but unfortunately the diminutive firebrand spooned his shot over the bar. In that respect he was the ideal replacement for Mani, who had done exactly the same thing earlier in the half. Rich Sloper ran on a mazy Giggs-like run, if Giggs were sustained by clockwork and nearing the end of his power-up, before plonking a shot onto the post. Despite the wing play of Richie setting up further openings for the attack, that was as close as they got. Nevertheless Barely were so improved the one goal looked to be enough for a long time, Flying Saucers only real chance being an overhead kick that Danny cleared off the line.

But without that two-goal cushion, there was always a chance for Flying Saucers, and Barely succumbed to what would be unfair on Flying Saucers to describe as a sucker punch, but was nonetheless unexpected to a degree. With the seconds ticking out, a right-wing cross ended at the feet of Mike, now in goal, and what happened after that to the minute detail is a matter of interpretation, but Danny and Mike were certainly unable to stop the ball going in the net - and neither was Rich Jackson, who will be furious with himself.

There was no time for Barely to respond, and they cannot complain about the result, especially as Flying Saucers played the game in very good spirit right to the end. Rich Batten picked up the Man of the Match award, as the general consensus was that Lefils really should have scored six goals instead of a paltry four. Much improvement needed from him. And despite the disappointment of a point dropped Barely do remain unbeaten in the league, and with the Casual Leagues 2pts-for-a-win system, their third draw in four games sees them drop only 3 points rather than six. Whilst that fact may be essentially the epitome of straw-clutching, it is nonetheless mathmatically reassuring.

Barely need to improve. Their post-match analysis mined a rich seam of teasing for the several Barely players who weren't at their best, but management team Richie and Jim would surely rather be celebrating a win and slagging off the other team instead. Next week gives them a chance to put the theory to the test as they take on the big guns of Reunion.