Statastic Season

Barely's resident statto has, with much scratching of heads (not always his own), checking of factoids, searching of memory banks and probably artistic licence, come up with a set of figures so comprehensive and all encompassing that Opta will be committing suicide en masse in collective shame. Here, set to the sound of trumpets (please supply your own in your head, or out loud if there's no-one around) are the Barely player stats for season 07-08.

The Beautiful People pt II

Richie and Sam are in constant motion. Mani is offside. Chris is performing his terrifying levitating ball trick.

The Beautiful People

Woah! Look at all those chins. Sadly absent from the team photo are late arrivals Nick, Chris and Rich B along with the nomadic Quentin, Rich Walters and Rich Sloper.

Bathelona leave Barely washed out

Bathelona 5 Barely Athletic 2

Goal: Andy

Defence: Sam, Tom, Phil, Danny

Midfield: Steve, Jacko, Jim, Richie

Attack: Ioan, Lefils

Subs: Mani, Chris, Mike, Nick, Paul, Rich B

Spectators: Dave, Bob

If last week's defeat to Easton Monday was a hiccup, this was the subsequent projectile that flies from your mouth and lands in the lap of your bosses wife at an important dinner. All that hard work meeting and exceeding projected targets and facilitating percentiles could be undone by your terrible gaffe. But it's ok, because your boss remembers what a good worker you are and he merely chuckles as he wipes the glacéd cherry from his wifes skirt. However, when it comes to promotion you'll probably be passed over for Geoff in marketing, as he is able to run faster than you.

Which tenuous, nay clumsy analogy, means that Barely lost their last two games but it should not detract from a good season. Last night at the Fry's club they had a record turnout of 17 players chomping at the bit. Sadly though they were made to look a bit carthorsey against a fit and more than competent Bathelona side.

With Steve playing through the pain-bump with an injured hand, Richie called for volunteers to go in goal. After much impromptu lace-tying and thousand-yard-staring, Andy volunteered to do a half and impressed no end. Coming down with outfield players, the Barely man-manager and left-wing dynamo went with the options above and the subs spent the early portion of the game probably chomping slightly less with each successive minute.

Barely began badly, however this for a change was not their traditional just-out-bed approach to the game but purely Bathelona's energy and verve. Nonetheless Barely were their own worst enemies when a low ball escaped the whole defence and was converted deftly to give Bathelona an early lead.

But the game had only just begun and despite their haggard demeanour Barely knew they were capable of better and set about realising it. Bathelona, hitherto happy to attack, began to find their defence called to use, and the keeper even made a save or two. But when Richie swung in a corner he couldn't stop Phil prodding the ball in at the far post for his first of the season.

Could Barely capitalise on the change of fortune? Could they bollocks. It was the end-to-end Phil who went from hero to slightly less than hero when he felled an attacker in the box. No arguments about the penalty (though the Barely reporter will, in sour-grapes fashion, tell readers of the blatant handball by Bathelona seconds earlier that the ref ignored) and no problems despatching it. Andy did well to get a hand to the ball but the power took it into the net. Barely were wobbling and Fizzy was beginning to lose his fragile temper.

Richie brought off Steve and Paul came onto the right wing. His impact was immediate, both physically and verbally. He also began marking the Barely left-winger leaving Sam free to push on and join the fray further forward, which Sam was particularly pleased about. But Barely, despite playing better as the game wore on, found themselves 3-1 down by the break when a corner swerved directly into Andy's goal - again, Andy got to the ball but the pace took it in. And things might have been worse but for a couple of splendid tip-overs from Andy, who may find himself occupying the sticks again next season if he's not careful.

There were a flurry of half-time changes that are too complex to go into detail over, but basically Chris was now at right back and Nick in goal. Mani was up front with Lefils.

But the second half started terribly when Barely seemed to move in slow-motion as Bathelona cut a swathe down their right and lobbed the ball in the net past a speechless Nick. 4-1 now, and dreams of a draw for Barely looked to be ebbing away like their memories of youth. Bathelona stepped up their game and time and again Barely were clearing their lines with Danny, more comfortable now at centre-back, prominent with a series of headers and interceptions. However, Barely capitalised with the most nonchalent of finishes from Mani when he scooped the ball over the advancing keeper while under pressure from defenders. Mani does a nice line in trotting away insouciantly.

Highlights from the rest of the game: Mike's half-cartwheel and ankle-flick in the box. Nick's langorously dynamic diving save. Sam being told off for his linesmanship by a member of the opposition's wife. And the Herculean man-of-the-match performance by Richie, who eventually subbed himself from exhaustion. Bathelona's fifth was a nice finish too, which kind of rubbed salt in Barely's wounds after their efforts, but even taking into account a largely one-eyed refereeing performance Bathelona were worthy winners and hope now to go on and defeat Easton Monday to take the title. That game will be an interesting battle.

Next up: the Barely Masters Golf Tournament this weekend, as players relax from the season's strains by thwacking a ball hundreds of yards at a time. Reports will follow.... as will team photos and stats galore from our resident facts man.

More archive footage

From the Jerry Gyde collection - some golf pics of one of the Barely Masters. A disappointing lack of chequered slacks.

Monday make bleak Wednesday for Barely

Easton Monday 3 Barely Athletic 1

Goal: Steve

Defence: Rich B, Tom, Quentin, Andy

Midfield: Nick, Sam, Jacko, Mike

Attack: Manrouf, Lefils

Subs: Phil, Danny, Richie, Ioan, Chris

All good things must come to an end - things like the Sopranos, the cadburys creme egg window, and the funniness of Steve Martin. And last night at Fairfield School Easton Monday ended Barely's unbeaten league record with a performance of rare panache that Barely, try as they might, couldn't quite equal.

They had their moments. After a shaky start when the defence seemed to be doing most of the work, Barely edged their way into the game as they strove to keep the ball on the ground and engineer some chances for their strikers. For a while the game looked fairly even but then Monday eased up a gear and began bossing things - and this period of pressure led to the goal, as Tom, sick to the eye teeth of winning the man of the match award, deftly nodded the ball past his dad for an intended easy catch but a resultant own goal. Monday politely declined to celebrate over-exuberantly.

Richie made changes - despite having a gammy eye (the reporter hereby prints a full and frank denial that we alluded anything else on the night of the Chelsea - Liverpool game) the boss brought himself on in midfield and moved Sam to the wing. Richie's frenetic energy gave Monday something else to think about, but Barely could still not exert any real authority, and they got the scores level thanks only to Lefils' persistance and some ludicrous ball-patting by the defender as, lying prone, he pushed the ball away from Fizzy's feet with his hand. Initially hesitant, the Monday ref gave the spot kick after some impressively indignant changes of octave in the Barely larynxes.

At this point we should say that, penalty reluctance aside, the reffing from the Monday players was commendably fair-minded.

Lefils battered in the penalty for his seventh goal of the season and Barely were back in the game. However, neither side were able to take a lead before the break and this was due to the obstinacy of both defences and the cat-like reactions of Steve, who was playing through injury after taking a blow on the hand. Jacko had a shot from distance saved and Fizzy saw a couple of chances go whistling just wide of the far post as Barely enjoyed their strongest spell of the half.

So; half-time. Steve took a turn on the bench as Danny came on at right-back for Mike in a tactical reshuffle. Barely resumed play looking slightly better balanced and, every now and again, breaking forward in numbers as they began to put some moves together. But they always foundered on the rock of the Monday defence, with the keeper pretty much untested. And at the other end Nick was busy, but he could do nothing about a first-time half-volley that was swept beyond him to give Monday the lead. It was an uphill struggle for Barely here on in, with Monday looking comfortable in possession and playing an unhurried game that they could not be hassled out of. Barely tried though. Another Jacko shot - Andy shot high. Fizzy was brought down on the edge of the box and, after a lung-busting scream of pain, got up and belted the ball over the bar. And Steve almost found himself with a heading chance at point-blank range, but the ball bounced agonisingly over his head. Richie made a last throw of the dice with Ioan coming on for Mani for a spell up front, but the Welsh wizard was stifled by the big guns of the Monday defence.

All that said, Monday looked good for the win, looking always the likelier scorers despite impressive defending by Barely, especially Phil (on for the hamstrung Quent), who caught the eye with a series of tackles. When the home side scored again with the last kick (neé header) of the game from a corner, it did not flatter them. Barely's hardest game of the season, played in sapping heat, ended with their first league defeat, though there was no shame in losing to the likely champions. But it would be nice to end the season next week with a result - something the return of co-manager Jim can only help.

In a wide spread of votes, Steve and Jacko shared the man of the match vote, though the clincher for Steve was the fact Tom already had it at home.

From the Vaults

There are a lot of things in the Barely vaults including several skeletons, some Brut 33 and a pair of maroon pants that haven't seen soap suds since 1983. But whilst browsing through the other ephemera longtime Barely stalwart Jerry Gyde happened across these pictorial delights from years gone by. The Barely Reporter recognises a few cherubic faces but perhaps someone can fill in the blanks?

Barely's evening performance dashes Reunion

Barely Athletic 1 Reunion 0

Goal: Steve

Defence: Andy, Danny, Quentin, Tom

Midfield: Rich B, Jacko, Sam, Nick

Attack: Manrouf, Lefils

Sub: Chris

Devoted attendees: Martin, Phil

If football is sometimes like poetry then last night's ground-out result was closer to a couple of drunks singing on their way back from a lock-in. There was music in there somewhere, but it was lost amidst the bleary ramblings of half-remembered tunes and abrupt halts as the players struggled to hit the right note.

Yes, it's the time of the season where the Autumnal flurry of excitement has long-gone and tired players are doggedly doing their best to eke out a result. And hats off to Barely; that's exactly what they did against a competitive Reunion side.

With co-manager Richie mysteriously off sick on the very night his (other) beloved team played the pivotal match of their season (bad luck Richie) it was left to Jim to arrange the side, and he charitably refereed the first half whilst shuffling his players to accomodate the returning Quentin, who slotted in at centre-back as Tom moved to the right. But missing both their managers and with a couple of shorties in the middle of the park, Barely looked a hesitant side in the early stages, and one was reminded of their early season form when they often looked sluggish at the opening. Gradually, perceptibly, Barely's players got their foot on the ball and started to edge things, but couldn't quite find the final pass. Their best chance came when Lefils put through Mani but the Gallic marksman skewed the ball just wide.

But a breakthrough came from an unlikely source. As Barely pressurised Quentin had pushed further and further up the pitch, and it was his Jim-or-Richie-like run into the box that saw the ball batted down by a defender's hand. Jim had no hesitation in pointing to the spot, and though the keeper got a hand to Lefils' penalty, it had enough power to bulge the back of the net despite his interception.

At half-time Jim brought himself on for the now-reffing Sam (who swopped with Jacko later) and Chris went up front in place of Mani, who took up linesman duties. Steve and Nick swopped places, as is their wont.

Initially the game was fairly decent, but after ten minutes or so it took on a ragged composure and neither side really looked likely to score unless it came from a mistake. As the half wore on one or two of Reunion decided to contest every decision by the reluctant refs, and this didn't help the game's pallor as tempers began to fray. In a game that was largely even-tempered for the first hour it was a shame that every throw-in or tackle became a bone of contention for both sides. But maybe this approach serves Reunion well, as they were arguably the stronger side as the game drew to it's conclusion. After forcing a series of corners they had the ball in the net at one stage, but it had crossed the touchline in the build-up and Barely escaped.

One keystone moment from Nick aside in the goal ("it bobbled in the air" he said later) - though in fairness we should also mention a couple of crucial catches - the game drew to an end and Barely had ground out an impressive result. Reunion were well-organised and mobile, so a victory was no mean feat, albeit via the penalty spot. Chris made an impressive turn at centre-forward, winning several headers and at one stage dribbling through about four defenders, though the game was mainly about the defenders, who were uniformly excellent for Barely, with Danny and Quentin bossing the back line to the manner born. Serial award-winner Tom squeaked the Man of the Match gong, but one damp spot on proceedings was a hamstring injury to midfield maestro Jim, who we wish a speedy recovery.

Barely now have a week to recover before the next game.