Barely Play Donkey's Arse Role in Dave Basset Panto

Banjo Vets 3  Barely Athletic 1

Goal: Tom
Defence: Ian J, Chris, Ian G, Nick
Midfield: Adam, Richie, Mike, Sam
Attack: Jim S, Paul T

Sub: Danny

The September grass is laced with dew, Mike is cracking jokes in the changing room, the manager is running late, Barely are out of the cup... it must be the first game of the season.

They say a stopped clock is right twice a day, but they never saw Barely attempt the first hurdle of the Casuals League's second-most-eminent competition, which is like watching a drowning man trying to juggle badly-set jelly.

As was noted after the game, it was far from the usual cow-on-a-stairlift performance Barely are capable of at the start of every season (and the first ten minutes of every game thereafter) but having gone behind half way through the second half, they could not find an equaliser and were sucker-punched on the counter-attack, to give Banjo's victory a little gloss.

It looked like Barely might buck the trend at the start, as they soaked up Banjo pressure and tried to break quickly. And it was one such attack that put them in the lead - a goal like you'd see on the telly, in fact. A combination of Richie, Jim S and debutant Paul Tovey saw the ball eventually despatched into the box from the left, where Adam met it with a diving header. It flew into the net and despite some erroneous calls for handball Hillmann's goal stood; 1-0 to Barely.

However the gold of a precious lead in the cup turned to shit in their hands only minutes later. It looked like Adam was pushed to the floor as he sprinted toward the box, but as a row broke out over the direction and intent of his flailing legs the ref - somewhat retiring, as refs go - allowed play to continue, and Banjo took advantage of the confusion to slot an equaliser past Tom.

At half-time Danny elected to make no changes, but encouraged the team to use both the time Banjo were allowing them and the width of the pitch better. And the second half was a fairly even affair for a while, although the signs were there of the coming doom in the comparative workload of the goalkeepers - Tom busy, his opposite number saving his strength for an argument with Jim in the closing stages of the game. And Banjo eventually took the lead, disappointingly from a corner, as an attacker nodded the ball deftly down to put the home team 2-1 up.

Giving up is not in the Barely DNA so there was no chance of a collapse, but as they pushed for an equaliser Banjo were finding more and more opportunities to counter-attack, and after Barely's best period of play in the game they got their third, giving the away team very little chance of a comeback. The best late drama they could offer was Jim being accused of diving by their goalie; once again as the debate continued the ref was nowhere to be seen. Perish the thought he's ever asked to attend an intervention.

So a disappointing defeat, but a game played in good spirit in the main, and no complaints from Barely. The day was remarkable for at least one thing from their perspective - being the first time Nick had done the full 90 minutes outfield in 4 years. Congratulations to one of Barely's elder statesmen!

Serial man-of-the-match winner Richie did it again, though there were also votes for runner-up Chris, Ian, Mike and Tom. Having got the inevitable out of the way, Barely can now concentrate on the league*. And at least we now know that you can hit a donkey's arse with a banjo.

*finishing fourth from bottom