Barely comeback ends Retainers repartee

Barely Athletic 8 Retainers 7

Goal: Mani

Defence: Ian J, Ian G, David, Sam

Midfield: Lefils, Richie, Jacko, Batts

Attack: Jim B, John

Cavalry subs: Tom, Mike
Supporters: Colin, Roman, Steve Pinnell

There are 15 goal thrillers and there are 15 goal thrillers. This was one of the latter, but with a little of 15 goal comedy-horror sprinkled liberally on top, like confetti on an oil fire. Was it flamboyant attacking, or porous defending responsible for what amounted to a cricket score, albeit from a cricket game one would probably want their money back on? Probably both.

Things didn't start well for Barely when their 14-man squad, culled from 10 regulars and 4 able deputies, was dramatically further culled in a series of despondent texts, as a trio of players cried off for reasons you can be sure Alex Ferguson hasn't heard in a while. Hangover... broken boiler... the assembled team were just waiting to hear that Jim Banton had fallen off his unicycle when fortunately he turned up, and Barely had an eleven to start the game with.

With no recognisable keeper to speak of, Mani gamely took the gloves for the opening quarter of an hour. However he was mostly a spectator, as despite Barely struggling to come to terms with Retainer's neat diagonal passing in the midfield, there was no clear sight of goal allowed. And they took the lead themselves only 5 minutes in with their first clear chance - like a lot of the Barely pressure to follow the ball came down the left, and as John pressured the back line it broke to Sam, who sidefooted it into the far corner. Barely were 1-0 up and on the personnel side there had been a breakthrough - longtime absentee Tom Pinnell had shrugged off his heavy head to join the fray, so Sam - spluttering a little - took to the touchline as Tom went in goal, Mani right wing and Batts dropped into defence.

But whatever hopefully-legal narcotic Tom had taken it possibly hadn't quite kicked in, as a frantic twenty minutes saw both sides fill their respective onion bags. Bang! Tom's first action was to pick the ball out of the Barely net as Retainers equalised. Whack! John put Barely ahead again with a cracking finish over the keeper as the ball bounced at shoulder-height. Thump! Retainers struck again, as the Barely back line began to creak like a rotten tree in the wind. Crash! There it goes! Retainers took the lead as Barely just seemed to surrender the middle of the park and the opposition tore into the back line at will. And despite Jim Banton's quick reply for Barely to level at 3-3, Retainers took advantage of the lack of cohesion in the Barely ranks to crash in two more before half-time. It wasn't so much as a walk to the touchline as a retreat, Barely dragging their metaphoric injured home from an ass-kicking. There was no doubt at this stage that Retainers were in the box seat.

But Batts' half-time address was a calm one - everyone knew there were more goals to be had in this game, it was just a question of trying to shore up the defence a little and get a team shape that resembled the geometric, rather than a strand of diseased DNA. Sam came back on at right-back for Batts, and John's heroics took a turn for the authoritative as he refereed the second half. On in his stead came Mike, fresh from the water boiler dramas at home. He took the left-back slot as Ian J moved to right midfield and Mani joined Jim up front.

Barely began the brighter - they couldn't have been any dimmer, to be honest - but after a possession-rich five minutes Retainers scored against the run of play, the ball breaking kindly for an attacker who poked it past Tom's despairing dive. 6-3, and suddenly the next 40 minutes looked like a long stretch of purgatory for past-life misdemeanours.

But wait. Do you hear the fanfare of distant trumpets? Do you feel the spirit of England/France (delete as appropriate) stirring within you? Can you see Mike Graney rising, like a particularly large and curiously attired salmon, to nod home Richie Cormack's corner? Barely Athletic's spectacular collapses are varied and many, but are they ever accompanied by fatalistic throwing-in of the cards? -Are they shite.

Mike's goal galvanised Barely and rattled Retainers. All of a sudden the team in the bumble-bee strip were swarming, and the away side were unable to cope. Ian J burst to the byline and squared the ball to Jim, who laid off to Jacko, who laid off to Richie, who plonked the ball past the keeper for 6-5. Richie and Lefils combined for the umpteenth time down the left to set up Jacko, who brought Barely level: 6-6. Then yet another move down the Barely left found it's way to Ian J, who had stolen into the box and had the simplest of finishes to put Barely ahead, and finally Tom - now out of goal (with Mike in) and ranging down the Barely right - wellied in a Lefils cross to put a little gloss on the score at 8-6, with ten minutes remaining. That was eight goals from eight different players on the Barely team... surely a record.

Somewhere in the midst of all that Retainers felt - with good reason - they should have had a penalty, but Ian G's challenge was somewhere near the edge of the area and John awarded a free-kick, that was sent whistling narrowly wide. They were still attacking too, but the Barely defence looked a different proposition from the shaky start, and when their last-ditch clearances failed them Tom - Berocca and Ibuprofen now fully infused in his trembling veins - or later, Mike, were on hand to mop up.

Retainers did have a chance to salvage a point, however. Having finally broken through the wall when Barely relaxed at 8-6 up, to put the game back in the balance at 8-7. They pressured for the last five minutes, and the final action of the game saw them head narrowly over - one could not have begrudged Retainers a point from this game, but directly after this miss time was called. Both teams shook hands on the conclusion of the kind of football game that's missing from the Premier League (ie riddled with mistakes) that was played in very good spirits by both sides.

It was an excellent second half performance from Barely, and it seems almost a shame to give the man of the match award to an individual; except for the fact most people thought Jim Banton deserved it - never stopped running, scored one, laid a couple on. Congratulations to him, and the team as a whole. Nobody scored less than 9/10 in the Barely Reporter's eyes, and in the second half the team were more than the sum of it's parts: ten out of ten, Barely.