Barely comeback ends Retainers repartee

Barely Athletic 8 Retainers 7

Goal: Mani

Defence: Ian J, Ian G, David, Sam

Midfield: Lefils, Richie, Jacko, Batts

Attack: Jim B, John

Cavalry subs: Tom, Mike
Supporters: Colin, Roman, Steve Pinnell

There are 15 goal thrillers and there are 15 goal thrillers. This was one of the latter, but with a little of 15 goal comedy-horror sprinkled liberally on top, like confetti on an oil fire. Was it flamboyant attacking, or porous defending responsible for what amounted to a cricket score, albeit from a cricket game one would probably want their money back on? Probably both.

Things didn't start well for Barely when their 14-man squad, culled from 10 regulars and 4 able deputies, was dramatically further culled in a series of despondent texts, as a trio of players cried off for reasons you can be sure Alex Ferguson hasn't heard in a while. Hangover... broken boiler... the assembled team were just waiting to hear that Jim Banton had fallen off his unicycle when fortunately he turned up, and Barely had an eleven to start the game with.

With no recognisable keeper to speak of, Mani gamely took the gloves for the opening quarter of an hour. However he was mostly a spectator, as despite Barely struggling to come to terms with Retainer's neat diagonal passing in the midfield, there was no clear sight of goal allowed. And they took the lead themselves only 5 minutes in with their first clear chance - like a lot of the Barely pressure to follow the ball came down the left, and as John pressured the back line it broke to Sam, who sidefooted it into the far corner. Barely were 1-0 up and on the personnel side there had been a breakthrough - longtime absentee Tom Pinnell had shrugged off his heavy head to join the fray, so Sam - spluttering a little - took to the touchline as Tom went in goal, Mani right wing and Batts dropped into defence.

But whatever hopefully-legal narcotic Tom had taken it possibly hadn't quite kicked in, as a frantic twenty minutes saw both sides fill their respective onion bags. Bang! Tom's first action was to pick the ball out of the Barely net as Retainers equalised. Whack! John put Barely ahead again with a cracking finish over the keeper as the ball bounced at shoulder-height. Thump! Retainers struck again, as the Barely back line began to creak like a rotten tree in the wind. Crash! There it goes! Retainers took the lead as Barely just seemed to surrender the middle of the park and the opposition tore into the back line at will. And despite Jim Banton's quick reply for Barely to level at 3-3, Retainers took advantage of the lack of cohesion in the Barely ranks to crash in two more before half-time. It wasn't so much as a walk to the touchline as a retreat, Barely dragging their metaphoric injured home from an ass-kicking. There was no doubt at this stage that Retainers were in the box seat.

But Batts' half-time address was a calm one - everyone knew there were more goals to be had in this game, it was just a question of trying to shore up the defence a little and get a team shape that resembled the geometric, rather than a strand of diseased DNA. Sam came back on at right-back for Batts, and John's heroics took a turn for the authoritative as he refereed the second half. On in his stead came Mike, fresh from the water boiler dramas at home. He took the left-back slot as Ian J moved to right midfield and Mani joined Jim up front.

Barely began the brighter - they couldn't have been any dimmer, to be honest - but after a possession-rich five minutes Retainers scored against the run of play, the ball breaking kindly for an attacker who poked it past Tom's despairing dive. 6-3, and suddenly the next 40 minutes looked like a long stretch of purgatory for past-life misdemeanours.

But wait. Do you hear the fanfare of distant trumpets? Do you feel the spirit of England/France (delete as appropriate) stirring within you? Can you see Mike Graney rising, like a particularly large and curiously attired salmon, to nod home Richie Cormack's corner? Barely Athletic's spectacular collapses are varied and many, but are they ever accompanied by fatalistic throwing-in of the cards? -Are they shite.

Mike's goal galvanised Barely and rattled Retainers. All of a sudden the team in the bumble-bee strip were swarming, and the away side were unable to cope. Ian J burst to the byline and squared the ball to Jim, who laid off to Jacko, who laid off to Richie, who plonked the ball past the keeper for 6-5. Richie and Lefils combined for the umpteenth time down the left to set up Jacko, who brought Barely level: 6-6. Then yet another move down the Barely left found it's way to Ian J, who had stolen into the box and had the simplest of finishes to put Barely ahead, and finally Tom - now out of goal (with Mike in) and ranging down the Barely right - wellied in a Lefils cross to put a little gloss on the score at 8-6, with ten minutes remaining. That was eight goals from eight different players on the Barely team... surely a record.

Somewhere in the midst of all that Retainers felt - with good reason - they should have had a penalty, but Ian G's challenge was somewhere near the edge of the area and John awarded a free-kick, that was sent whistling narrowly wide. They were still attacking too, but the Barely defence looked a different proposition from the shaky start, and when their last-ditch clearances failed them Tom - Berocca and Ibuprofen now fully infused in his trembling veins - or later, Mike, were on hand to mop up.

Retainers did have a chance to salvage a point, however. Having finally broken through the wall when Barely relaxed at 8-6 up, to put the game back in the balance at 8-7. They pressured for the last five minutes, and the final action of the game saw them head narrowly over - one could not have begrudged Retainers a point from this game, but directly after this miss time was called. Both teams shook hands on the conclusion of the kind of football game that's missing from the Premier League (ie riddled with mistakes) that was played in very good spirits by both sides.

It was an excellent second half performance from Barely, and it seems almost a shame to give the man of the match award to an individual; except for the fact most people thought Jim Banton deserved it - never stopped running, scored one, laid a couple on. Congratulations to him, and the team as a whole. Nobody scored less than 9/10 in the Barely Reporter's eyes, and in the second half the team were more than the sum of it's parts: ten out of ten, Barely.

Vets put down by Barely

CL AXA Vets 4 Barely Athletic 5

Goal: Nick

Defence: Andy, Batts, Danny, Colin

Midfield: Lefils, Mike, Richie, Sam

Attack: Jim S, Jim B

Sub: Jay.

After the Barely Reporter missing the last two Barely games (a win and defeat), we were finally able to send a correspondent along on Sunday:

This was one of those times where the hoary old cliché about a game of two halves actually rang true. Barely obliterated the vets in the opening 45 minutes, going in at half-time 5-1 up. But the second half saw AXA surge back into contention in a match that had a little of everything...

Despite midfield stalwarts Jacko and Sir Jim being absent, Barely started with a strong line-up. Mike started alongside Richie in midfield and embarked on a series of ball-winning tackles as the teams sized each other up. Barely thought they'd opened the scoring when Jim S turned the ball back and Jim B bundled the ball in at the near post. But the AXA linesman ruled the ball had gone out of play, much to the former's disdain; and the seed was sown for a rumbling sub-plot that saw Jim S taking out Lefils' usual role as arch-villain to the opposition (what happened to Fizzy? We'll check the alignment of planets and get back to you). And when Jim scored moments later he did seem to enjoy it with a little extra relish.

AXA hit back within moments. They burst through down the left flank and, though Nick pulled off a diving save, the ball fell invitingly for an onrushing attacker, who prodded in. At this stage, though it was a little feisty, there was no indication of the extended drama about to unfold. But Jim S got things moving very quickly as he weaved through the AXA back line and plonked the ball past the athletic AXA keeper. 2-1 to Barely, with the match still in it's infancy.

Barely moved up through the gears. If they had started unhabitually strongly, they grew even more so as a sweeping move put them 3-1 up. It started with Richie, went through Jim S and Jim B, and the latter unselfishly cut the ball back for Richie to volley in as he broke into the box. Like a goal you'd see on telly, as Danny put it later. Not done yet, Richie and Lefils combined on the Barely right to send over a cross, that having eluded the leaping Jim B, was volleyed in by Sam at the far post. His wife kindly made the all goal all the more memorable later by reminding him that he hadn't scored in about 3 years - it's nice to have this kind of thoughtful support away from the pitch.

Another left-flank cross was curiously bounced down by the otherwise safe-handed AXA goalie, and Richie was right in front of him and poked the ball into the net. 5-1 at half-time, and the game looked over.

But cool-headed Danny warned against complacency, noting that the Vets had a strong subs bench itching to come on. Jim B took to the line as Jay came on in his stead; Mike went between the sticks and Nick went on the right wing as Lefils moved into the middle alongside Richie.

AXA posted intent early on though as Barely came back from the break a little sluggishly, pressurising the Barely goal and drawing last-ditch interventions from Batts and Colin in particular. Mike, with his trimmed goatee and tweed cap looking like he was a shotgun short of a gamekeeper outfit, also plucked a couple of crosses out of the air as AXA bore down on the Barely goal. Curiously though, it was having seen off the early storm that Barely suddenly gave away two cheap goals in succession - both of them coming as Barely neglected several opportunities to 'get rid', perhaps coasting slightly on their large lead. But it wasn't a large lead any more, at 5-3 the AXA tails were up.

But again Barely began to pressure, several times breaking into the AXA box only to spurn the openings. And the huge space they were leaving in the middle of the park as AXA countered would have had Alan Hansen spitting out his coffee, if he had been interested/present/drinking coffee. What's more, the ongoing argument Jim S was having with the AXA back line and the ref came to an abrupt end when he kicked the ball away before AXA could take their throw-in. The ref, with an explosion of very unpartisan language, demanded Danny take him off, and after an extended discussion between all parties in the centre circle, Jim S did indeed make way for Jim B's return. The 'sending off' meant Jim S was now running the line, where the ref made a point of ignoring his calls for the rest of the game.

Meantime Barely were still on top with Jay in particular running AXA ragged - but they just didn't look like scoring. And with ten minutes remaining, AXA put the frighteners on the away team with a cracking shot over Mike's head from the edge of the box putting the score at 5-4 to Barely. But despite the nerves, and AXA's impressive comeback, that's the way the scores stayed and Barely pick up the precious points.

Man of the Match went to Richie but we're sure he'd agreed that - the two silly goals aside - it was a great team performance.

Bathelona win the Battle of Keynsham

Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, directed by Abel Ferrera, starring some coked-up scientologists, this was a game that lived up to the billing. It had everything you want in a game, and a couple of the things you don't, but as the crowds dispersed it was clear that this was one of those "where were you when" moments - the Kennedy assassination, the Twin Towers, Peter Beagrie going past the same player 4 times, and Bathelona beating Barely Athletic 6-5.

Goal: Nick

Defence: Colin, Batts, Chris, Jim

Midfield: Sam, Alex, Mike, Andy

Attack: Lefils, Jim S

Sub/Ref: Danny

Before the game new manager (one of 'em) Danny selected the team and sacrificed himself to the bench, not only depriving himself of the first half but also taking the whistle. The back four lined up as above, and they were soon at the centre of proceedings as Bathelona started like a team in form, their pass-and-move ethos putting Barely's huff-and-puff slightly in the shade. And sure enough, the game was in it's infancy when Bathelona found the back of the net, scything through the massed Barely ranks like a cold-hearted killer gunning down fleeing, terrified footballers - before kicking the ball into the net, really hard.

However, if Bathelona thought they had the measure of Barely, they had reckoned without the equally-cold-hearted finishing of Jim and Lefils up front - who were not in the mood to spurn any opportunities, no matter how flimsy they might have appeared to the mere mortals further back in the formation. First, Jim picked his spot from the right to pummel the ball into the net and bring Barely back on level terms: 1:1. And when Nick could only push a low shot into the net and Bathelona went ahead again, Lefils pulled the same trick from the left. 2:2.

Barely began to believe, and the head of steam this old loco can sometimes brew up when the mood takes was beginning to scorch the Bathelona back line. Jim found some space in the middle and side-footed goalwards - saved! No matter. Jim collected the rebound and calmly slotted in, showing a coolness of head most Barely players only achieve when wellying the ball out for a throw-in. Barely were, somewhat astonishingly, 3:2 up. And for the first time Bathelona were rattled; misplacing passes, allowing themselves to be tackled as Sam and Andy pushed on from the wings to augment the forward line and Mike and Alex won everything in midfield. This correspondent remains convinced that had Barely scored again before half-time to go two goals up, the match was theirs.

But who knows? Because neither team was willing to crumble. Danny put himself in goal for the second half as Colin - serial tackle-winner - took the whistle. Nick went right-wing and Sam dropped to right back. The second half began at a lively tempo, but it wasn't quite the classic punch-and-counter-punch of the first. Yet.

Barely were living on their nerves, however, as Bathelona's encroachment neared the goal-line. Danny pulled off a couple of saves, Sam blocked on the line, and they were grateful when a Bathelona attacker spring past Danny only to hit the side-netting. Then finally: the goal.

But it's hard to say exactly how the goal came, as so many followed it. Having broken the Barely dam, Bathelona found it increasingly easy to do so again, and again Barely were grateful for the sublime finishing of Jim and Lefils in attack. Every time Bathelona went in front - 3-4, 4-5 - they found an equaliser as the game became stretched. Tempers were also stretched, as Lefils and his opposite number began a running battle that more and more people became involved in in an attempt to shut them both up. Jim got his hat-trick from a hotly-debated sublime chip/random welly forrward from Chris, who'd moved into midfield.

Bathelona went ahead again when a cut-back from the by-line was converted - however the Barely defence was convinced the ball had gone out - but with no linesman on the left, Colin allowed the goal to stand. Lefils' reply caused a similar debate, as this time the Bathelona defence insisted his finish from the left (in off a defender) had also gone over the line. This time there was a linesman - Bathelona's - but he wasn't keeping up with play and again the goal stood. The match was becoming a little fractious by now, which was a shame as both teams obviously set out to play the right way, but any post-match debate as to the rights and wrongs of a draw were spared when Bathelona had the last word, a third long-range finish over the now-injured-and-in-goal Alex to seal the points. Barely simply had no time to come back from this one, and the game ended with a defeat for the boys in black and yellow.

Man of the match was a hard one to call after such a humungous effort against a very good team, but Batts pipped Jim to the gong after a series of high-speed last-ditch tackles let Bathelona know this would be no stroll in the park.

So, the new regime begins with a defeat, but managers Danny, Mike and Colin will be happy with the attitude. For Barely, this particular blockbuster doesn't have a happy ending - but there's room for a sequel.

Season Opener Finds Barely Shut Out

Barely Athletic 1 Mathern 3

Goal: Matt

Defence: Ian, Batts, Danny, Colin

Midfield: Fisch, Richie C, Mike G, Sam

Attack: Lefils, Jim

Sub: Sean

Finally the season is here, but any burgeoning optimism about the coming campaign was flattened by a bruising encounter with Mathern, who came back from a goal down to put Barely comprehensively to the sword.

A reasonably feisty encounter, this; Mathern are one of those sides who gee themselves up by trading insults and run a kind of ongoing critique of each other's failings - and the ref's, and Barely's - throughout the game. The tone was set when Mathern, having delayed the kick-off for over half an hour, told Richie to "fuck off" when he tried to hurry them along. Not quite the Casuals ethos, but whatever.

Barely themselves were, as ever, scratching for numbers, and thankfully Jacko's brother Ian and Matt "the Cat" stepped up to the plate, along with Wednesday regular Fisch making his 11-a-side debut. And Barely looked a decent unit, seeing off some early Mathern pressure to put together a tidy move that ended with Jim sweeping them into the lead from just inside the box.

With Barely on top, Rich took the opportunity to bring on the fresh (and fast) legs of Sean, Sam taking a break on the touchline. Mathern kept the pressure up, however, and though their hopes were oft-dashed on the rocks of Barely obduracy, they found the breakthrough from a corner, a bullet header giving Matt - who moments later pulled off the save of the game, tipping another header over the bar - no chance and the scores at half-time were 1-1.

Second half began with a bit of attack and counter-attack as both teams looked for the breakthrough. Mathern for the time being were forced to try their luck from distance and Matt snapped the efforts up easily. At the other end a great move involving Sean and Richie ended with Jim hitting the ball narrowly wide. Lefils was having a great game but was on the receiving end of some hefty challenges and was becoming increasingly irate - could he keep it together until full-time?

Running personal duels were rendered meaningless however when Mathern finished the game - as they had last season's encounter in Wales - the stronger; firing in not one, but two goals to give them what Barely must concede was a deserved win for their persistence. There was still time for Fizzy and the Mathern number 10 to trade insults at length, and also throw the ball at each other's heads from close-quarters. You don't see women doing THAT in a nightclub, do you? A bit of appreciation for the late drama, everyone please.

Matt shaded the man of the match award with the voting spread wide: Batts, Richie and Mike shared runner-up position, though to be fair there were no weak links today - everyone played very well, but Barely just ran out of air before the 90 minutes were up.

So hats off to Mathern for the win. Wouldn't want to spend Christmas with them, though.

End of Season!

Unfortunately the Barely Reporter was unable to attend the end of season bash, as we are currently fighting a legal case with the state over - allegedly - reading an email over somebody's shoulder. But Manager/cajoler-in-chief/left-back Rich Batten was good enough to send us the end of season statistics, which we relate for your delectation below.

Barely Athletic, season results 2010-2011:

P W D L F A Pts Pos

10 5 1 4 23 29 16 4th

Top Five goalscorers:

8 Jim S

4 Manrouf/Rich Batten

2 Lefils/Richie C

Top Three Appearances (out of a possible 9):

9 Rich Batten/Mike Graney

8 Joe Daniel

Players player of the year:

Rich Batten

(runner up Joe 'Danny' Daniel)

Clubman of the Year:

Mike Graney

Manager's player of the year:

"I was torn between Manny who I think has had his best season, Ian, who was an absolute rock at the back and Jacko and Danny who when playing did everything competently. But for his 7 appearances and several man of the match performances.... it's Ian."

Special Award for Motivation:

"Obvious really........Danny!"

Barely can't do the Math

Mathern 4 Barely Athletic 2

Goal: Nick

Defence: Sam, Batts, Chris, Ian

Midfield: Mike, Lefils, Jacko, Mani

Attack: Jim, John

Sub: Injured Colin

Lino: Very injured Phil

So, Barely signed off the season, and Rich Batten's last match in charge - save for a coerced u-turn in the face of peer-pressure - with a defeat. But the story of the match was one of defiance as a scratch team containing no less than three newbies - 'Tats' Chris, 'Striker' John and 'Jacko's brother' Ian - put together a performance that belied the threadbare structure. In the end, it was fatigue that did for them, as with 80 minutes on the clock and Mathern subbing like an editor with a late-night deadline, the pressure told.

But it was Barely who twice led, though both goals had an element of luck. The pattern of the game was set as Barely soaked up the Mathern pressure and then counter-attacked at speed; but the goal was down to harrassing the Mathern back-line as Mike forced a defender into an under-hit back pass - and Jim was on it in a flash, belting the ball first time past the keeper.

The game returned to it's normal pattern of to-and-fro, but to be fair Barely were sailing close to the wind on a number of occasions as runners came through from the Mathern midfield and weren't picked up. A combination of blocks, catches from Nick and the odd wayward finish kept Barely ahead, but when Mathern did force the ball in, it felt it had been coming. 1-1.

Again, Barely went ahead, and this time Chris' deep free kick from only ten yards past the halfway line was allowed - bizarrely - to bounce in the box, from where it sailed over the Mathern keeper to put Barely 2-1 up. And it might have been 3-1 had John's snap-shot effort clipped the other side of the post - who knows what that would have done to Mathern? Instead though, they came back off the ropes, and after another period of sustained attacking scored the best goal of the game with a far-post finish after they sliced the Barely back line apart.

Halftime came with the score at 2-2, and Mike and Nick swapped positions with all else staying the same, save for Colin's periodical appearances to give people a breather. But with the wind against Barely in the second half they began on the back foot, and credit to the back line that the opening salvo from Mathern led to nought. Barely eked their way back into the game through the midfield promptings of Lefils and Jacko and the control of Jim upfront.

But the goal wouldn't come for either side, and as the half wore on Mathern used the roll-on subs to good effect, utilising their eighty-four subs at every dead ball to keep their legs fresh. And as the game reached it's closing stages the pressure told when they finally broke through the back line to go ahead for the first time in the game. And having conceded, Barely lost all shape as they went for broke looking for an equaliser, and instead let another one in. It might have been worse - the ref disallowed what looked like a valid goal at 3-2 and Mike produced an astonishing double-block from point-blank range as the Barely collapse took on proportions that were probably visible from space. It was a shame to end a tightly contested match as a bit of a shambles but, as we have noted above, by this time Barely were spent from their valiant efforts, and in that sense it crystallized a stirring season.

Jim took man of the match by a distance, though there were nods to Rich, Fizzy, Chris and Ian. Your correspondent would like to nominate the whole back line for their bellicose obduracy, but perhaps that's because I don't normally play there... anyway, nobody was too down after this, and the Barely Reporter would like to thank Batts (and Nick and Ioan for organisation roles) for taking the management mantle these past two seasons. Barely will finish fourth or fifth and for an aging team who often struggle to get an eleven out, that has to be defined as a roaring success.

Well done everyone.

Ten-Man Barely Turn the Tide

Barely Athletic 3 Russell Athletic 2

Goal: Mike

Defence: Colin, Danny, Batts

Midfield: Sam, Richie, Lefils, Jim Banton

Attack: Jim, Ioan

No subs.

An incredible game unfolded at Fry's this morning under blistering April sun. Barely were never more aptly named as they failed to make a scratch eleven; dutifully went two goals down before scoring three in the second half to take all three points and confirm their top-flight status for another year into the bargain. They had a bit of luck, as we shall see, but not enough to outweigh 90 whopping minutes a man short.

Batts from the start elected to go for an attacking line-up, reasoning that defending for 90 minutes wasn't really Barely's forté. So it was a 3-4-3 formation (see above) that took to the field as Barely kicked off. Danny led the three-man back line with Jim Banton and Sam playing as wing-backs, expected to both attack and defend, a novel idea that everyone obviously scoffed at until it transpired the manager was totally serious. Sam and Jim would just have to rise to it.

However it was a sinking feeling Barely felt first, as despite gamely putting on a show and having an equal share of possession - so much so many of the Russell players didn't realise they were a man down - after ten or so minutes Colin was tackled just outside the box and a Russell forward poked the ball past Mike - who got a foot to it - and somewhat forlornly into the net. Early days though, and Colin was to make up for that error, and worm his way into the man of the match reckoning, with a rigorous showing in defence. But - no sooner had Barely begun to feel their way back into the game than a hammer blow came with a second, the ball pinging around in the box like a pinball before finally being hooked over the line for Russell's second. A two-goal lead and definitely the sort of virtual cushion Russell could be forgiven for leaning back on. Barely had one or two chances to pull back, and Sam's cross-shot ricocheted off the bar, but at the break it looked bleak for Barely.

However, the claims that they were playing well did not ring hollow - everyone felt there still might be something to be had from the game. Mike deserves a round of applause for volunteering to stay in goal - not where he pines to be - as everyone agreed that keeping the team the same would be a good move.

And lo, shortly after kick-off the footballing clouds parted as Jim scored a goal of great beauty to put Barely right back in it. Some lovely build-up play still left Jim with a job to do in the box, and he shimmied past a couple of challenges and finished neatly into the corner. Tails began to wag, and only five minutes later they were level, Batts keeping up his astonishing scoring record by seeing his freekick bounce once in the box, over the keeper and in. Amazing stuff from Barely.

Shortly after this point however the Russell number 6 headed goalwards and thought he'd put the away team back in the box seat. The ball came off the inside of the post and Mike's hands were definitely pointing backwards as he plucked it from inside the net. All of the ball over all of the line? No-one was one hundred percent certain but it did look most plausible. However neither Bob nor the linesman (Jim Banton's son) had a decisive view, and play was waved on. In fact Barely nearly scored from the counter as Jim teed up Ioan in the box, who miscued. He rescued the ball and fed Batts, but the attack fizzled out. For ten minutes it looked like perhaps Barely were spent, having given everything to get themselves level. Russell were edging things and the Barely rearguard was busy. But then on a rare counter Lefils found himself in the box and clipped a shot at the near post. The keeper might have done better but the ball nestled into the net and the ten men of Barely were, incredibly, ahead.

There was still time for either side to score again but there was an air of inevitability over the match and the scoreline, as though neither side could quite believe it and didn't want to pollute the drama with further, unnecessary chapters. Sure enough when Bob's whistle rang out the score said 3-2 to the home side and, by golly, what a game. Doughty handling - and one pivital punch clear - from Mike in goal; incredible blocks and tackles from all the back three and both wingbacks; great movement from the strikers and a master-class of midfield play meant the man-of-the-match award was wide-ranging in it's votes, but Richie took it for his I-can-play-in-three-positions-at-once display; in the first half especially he really let Russell know they were in a game.

Division one football next season, then, and in the meantime a chance to try and push up the table with the remaining three fixtures. Awesome stuff, Barely!