Whistling Dixie

Nailsea Old Boys 5 Barely Athletic 1

Goal: Tom

Defence: Batts, Danny, Ian

Midfield: Adam, Richie, Mike, Paul Loftus, Sam

Attack: Jim, Chris

Subs: Colin, Nick, Paul Tovey, Andy

*

Sometimes things are written in the stars - you're destined to be with a particular person, you're going to land that job, you win the office sweepstake or wander into co-op on the very day they're doing a special on wet-wipes (as happened to your correspondent today. Buy one, get two free!)

But Huggies aside this wasn't one of those days. Barely, for all their efforts, couldn't find a way to deny Nobs a win. And to be fair the home team deserved it; but it was soured by an unsympathetic refereeing display that licensed the glossy scoreline.

Nobs had won their last two games by landslide scorelines and needed three points to claim the championship. Barely had won their last three games after a miserable 3/4 of the season, and needed to stop them if Retainers were to be crowned. And the start of the game was fairly even: for the first ten or fifteen minutes it was a box-to-box affair, even if neither side were able to make the goalkeepers do more than yell instructions. Then the tempo changed as Nobs superior football eased them into a position of slight control. Only slight though; Barely adjusted their game to defending as high up as they could - tricky when playing a sweeper - and trying to hit Nobs on the counter.

It nearly paid dividends. Chris set off on one of his Beagrie-esque runs, feinting this way and that as the rest of the team pleaded with him to pass. Eventually the ball did break to Sam, lurking in the penalty box, and from an oblique angle he brought a good reaction save from the keeper. Nothing came of the corner, and shortly afterward Tom was called on too, blocking a shot from point blank range as Nobs started to rack up the corner count.

However Barely were disgruntled by the goal when it came, as Paul Loftus having won the ball in his own half was cynically hacked down from behind. The referee gave nothing (later saying he could have given a free kick for Paul's own challenge, as though the ref's job is to run a tab rather than actually police the game) and moments later a Nobs effort on goal went under Tom's despairing dive.

Half-time and the whole team felt there was at least a point to be had here. Nobs were as expected assured on the ball and physical - not unfairly so - off it, but their defence didn't exactly have a hermetic seal, as both Jim and Chris had found space and been able to worm their way past challenges.

Andy, Nick, Paul T and Colin all came on as Danny stuck with the Barely ethos and rang the changes. The biggest loss however was Paul Loftus, who had to dash off (in some striking underwear) to work. Sam moved into centre-midfield but it goes without saying he did not supply the same physical presence as Paul. And as the second half began there was a stark contrast to the fine edges of the first - Nobs were undoubtedly on top. But for the goal itself - well, perhaps the ref didn't see a Nobs attacker pulling Tom's arm down as he attempted to catch the ball on his own line. Refs have missed worse than that. But he certainly saw Barely's own cast-iron penalty minutes later as Andy - again having a real impact from the bench - was scythed down with the ball untouched. Barely were up in arms and in this case it's hard to find an 'out' for the ref. There was no other reading of the incident available.

Jim was doing his best to work the Nobs keeper as Barely sought to find a way through, but both goalkeepers were having a good game. Then disaster: Ian chopped down a Nobs attacker in the box and again it was a stonewall pen. This time the ref gave it, and although Tom saved the ball fell kindly to the penalty taker who lofted over everyone into the roof of the net.

Three-nil and sense of inevitability hung over the game like a bad fart. But of course Barely - refereeing issues aside - aren't sulkers when the scoreline looks bad, and through persistence they won a goal back; Jim's speared cross thumped in by the forehead of Paul Tovey.

But it was a mere roadside bag of crisps on the highway to hell, as in the space of minutes Nobs added two more - uncontestable - goals; a goalmouth scramble knocked in from inches and then a deft side-foot steered in from ten yards at the far post. In the middle of the hot sun, the physical game, the disdain for the ref, Barely had other reasons to be grateful the season was finally over: Colin and Ian limped off and Adam and Sam both took knocks.

Barely kept going and both Jim and Andy pulled out good saves from keeper, who had done his bit at keeping Nobs on top. The whistle finally went on a deserved triumph for Nobs and Barely were able to hold their heads high on a very good first half performance - the second was, if not exactly a whimper, the kind of bang you can safely hold indoors.

Paul Loftus' first half performance was enough to get him in the voting for Man of the Match - Richie, Andy, Chris and Jim all featured too, but in the end Adam (3 votes) ran out a close second behind Tom (4 votes) who had been desperately unlucky with the penalty and pulled off three or four other blinders.

With Danny adamant that he doesn't want the boss's role next season however, this will be a summer of transition for Barely. Particularly Chris, who is embarking on some mad fitness scheme in order to compete in 'Tough Mudder' - and announced his intention to score 20 goals next season. He didn't specify which end though.

The Great Escape - apparently.

Barely Athletic 4 - 1 Cardiff Accies

Goal: Tom
Defence: Batts, Danny, Ian G
Midfield: Adam, Richie, Jacko, Paul T, Paul L
Attack: Jim S, Chris

Subs: Andy, Colin, Sam

On the day when Sir Alex Ferguson retired his mind-bending wristwatch, most of the media focus was at Old Trafford. But at Keynsham a great drama was being played out, as Barely Athletic won their third game in a row in style, after a season of staggering from one defeat to another.

What this means seems to be open to interpretation, however, as nobody in the press box could work out from the various permutations of plausible outcomes whether it made Barely definitively, categorically safe. There hasn't been this much confusion over whether it was The Great Escape or not since Mr Forgetful opened a cinema and invited Blur to a premiere directed by Steve McQueen (the other one). But if this wonderful silver lining has a dark cloud nestled within, for now at least Barely can reflect that they have given themselves more than a fighting chance. Not so long ago the writing was on the wall; now it's being scrubbed off by white-collar criminals repaying the community.

As regular readers know, Barely don't believe in doing things the easy way, so despite a line-up tailored to negate the burly physique of the Accies, they began slightly on the back foot, looking flummoxed by the purposeful opening by the visitors. But before long they worked their way into the game, and started engineering chances in the opposition box.

But perhaps due to the bobbly pitch there was a marked reluctance to let rip, with both Richie and Jim looking oddly goal-shy. Chris meanwhile was turning the defence inside out on regular occasions but collectively Barely couldn't seem to find the killer ball. And then an Accies attack was cleared only as far as the visiting left-winger, who promptly let fly a deft chip from 25 yards into the Barely net. One-nil down and Barely had it all to do. Initially it was Accies back on top, but like a Romero zombie Barely simply don't know when they're dead, and they worked themselves into a leading position before the break after Jim set up Adam for the equaliser before giving Barely the lead himself.

At half-time Danny rang the changes, bringing on all three subs with Chris, Adam and Danny himself making way. However Colin's niggly injury came back to haunt him after only a few minutes and Danny was back on in defence again. The half was initially much like the first as Barely threatened the box with regularity but not necessarily the goal. A stroke of luck gave them the two-goal cushion, however, when Sam's intended cross flew over the keeper and into the corner of the net.

But if Barely thought that was that, they had another think coming. Accies didn't drive all the way from Cardiff to play for an hour, and they fought hard to get back in the game, hitting both post and crossbar and drawing a smart point-blank stop from Tom and a goal-line clearing header from Andy, who was having more than a decent half down the Barely left.

Time was ticking away though, and Barely were holding firm at 3-1.

But there was still the final act to come - if this game was written by Shakespeare, it was his Hamlet rather than his Timon of Athens ( - one of the shit ones.) First Sam fouled an Accies midfielder, who took exception to the ref playing the advantage. Paul Loftus took him to task about it and the pair began an ongoing verbal battle that ran for the rest of the game, providing an intriguing and fiery subplot to an otherwise even-tempered match. Then Ian - looking for all the world like he just happened to be running across the pitch after an escaped dog - took out an Accies attacker as he surged through on goal. The ref played the letter of law and for the first time in his footballing career Goodenough had to walk.

He did it for the team, guys!

Accies were now on top as Barely, with little time to reorganise, creaked at the back. They pressured and pressured and Barely were grateful for serial interventions from the rearguard and the now standard safe handling of Tom.

In light of the chances created though, Barely did have the rub of the green. In fact you could see your face in the green when a long punt from Tom was hit first-time by an Accies defender past his own keeper. 4-1 to Barely now and surely game over?

To their credit Accies did not give up, but by now they had too much of a task, and as the ref brought the whistle to his lips, the home team accelerated - we think - into next season's fixture list with a game to spare.

Man of the Match went to Paul Loftus; presumably for his ball-winning gusto rather than his wind-up skills, and Richie and Adam ran in a close second. But as with the last two games the whole team deserved a medal for their collective effort and team ethos. Danny particularly has had to stare fate in the face, marshall his troops and force it to back down and bother someone else.

Well done gentlemen!

Jim Crowbars an Opportunity

Barely FC 5 - 3  SCS Vets

Goal: Tom

Defence: Ian G, Danny, Batts

Midfield: Adam, Richie, Jacko, Mike, Sam

Attack: Jim S, Chris

Subs: Paul T, Ian J, James, Colin

The print is still drying on last week's report but here are Barely again, building a head of steam as the season reaches it's inevitably climactic conclusion. Will they stay up, and celebrate yet another year in their 20 year plus stay in the top division? Will they go down in a blaze of belated glory? Either way, they are in the mix and have put their destiny in their own hands.

Word from the gaffers was that this would be a tricky game, and for 50 minutes it was just that... only for Barely - and Jim in particular - to turn on the style and notch up some impressive finishing. But the drama of the second half was all to come when he scored his first - giving Barely a lead with a collector's item - a header from a corner. At that point it was half-way through the first half and though SCS were shading possession, they had only forced one save of note from Tom - a sprawling left-handed dive to push the ball away for the corner. SCS were attacking in waves, but they were unable to penetrate the Barely back line, which is growing into its 3-5-2 formation. And SCS's own defence looked vulnerable to the pace and trickery of the Barely attack. As the half wore on the home team grew in confidence, only to have a mini-implosion shortly before the break.

Having finally scored with half-time looming, SCS were suddenly on top and encamped in the Barely half. Clearances were ever more desperate as the confidence proved to be fragile, and sure enough another goal came with a far-post header from a left-wing cross, sending SCS off for their oranges with their tails up. Barely, in contrast, could hardly bring themselves to speak after Danny's pep talk; tumbleweed all but blowing through the wheezy, despondent air. One or two substitutions were made and they traipsed out for the second half looking anything but vengeful and motivated.

However, as Mike has before attested, appearances can be deceiving. As he and Sam decided to yell at the team for the duration of the half (thereby giving themselves an assist of sorts) Barely set upon SCS like gangbusters, tearing at them like the last five minutes of the first half had never happened - and after their third attack they scored, Jim finishing with aplomb to put Barely level.

Belief surged through Barely - if an observer had written the game off at half-time as dead, the corpse had risen from the grave and was staggering around in midfield, kicking wildly. SCS were in no way out of it, and remained a threat, but every time Barely broke forward they looked capable of adding goals to their tally. And so they did; Adam breaking in from the left to put Jim in on goal for number three, then Jim again with a cracking finish from the edge of the box. Somewhere before, between or after those goals Chris got in on the act again, scoring with an insouciant flick after the goalkeeper had saved an effort from man-of-the-match (another walkover) - Jim.

There was time for late drama still - Sam tripped a man in the area and he probably would have got a penalty had he not dived quite so theatrically, hurling himself skyward in order to fall from the farthest possible height. In the ensuing melee/protest the game continued and SCS rifled in a late consolation.

But another game played in the right Casuals spirit - hats off to the opposition - ended, thankfully, with Barely snaffling the points. Two games to go and the thinking in the camp is one victory would do it. They're not out of the woods yet. But they are in quite a nice glade eating a bit of Kendall mint cake.

Barely Grab a Lifeline

Bathelona 1  Barely Athletic 3

Goal: Tom
Centre-backs: Ian, Danny, Batts
Wingbacks: Colin, Mike
Centre-mid: Jacko, Richie, Paul
Attack: Adam, Chris

Sub: Sam

With three tough games remaining the odds are still very much against them, but Barely handed themselves a lifeline to first division survival today with a long-awaited and much overdue first win of the season.

The team selection was a bag of pluses and minuses - still without long-term injury absentees and Barely stalwarts of the like of Sir James Fry, Mani, Jim Banton, Colin and Danny also had to contend with the absence of Jim Siemens, Barely's first choice striker. (Into his stead stepped Chris, partnering Adam upfront) On the other hand the presence of Tom in goal is always reassuring, as is the sight of Paul Loftus haring around in midfield staying - usually - just the right side of mayhem.

The home team kicked off but in short order Barely were on top. Playing very much unlike a team without a win in months, Barely - arranged in a possibly ambitious 3-5-2 by Danny - were first to every ball, it seemed, whether in the air or on the bobbly ground. They pressured the Bathelona goal without quite having the cutting edge to get the goal their play deserved. One feared that the storm would blow itself out with no reward, and Barely's season of pain and frustration would continue. But with 20 or so minutes on the clock Richie scuttled past a challenge to the byline and hooked the ball across the face of goal - it was the easiest of tap-ins for Chris, the right man in the right place, and Barely were one up.

Danny started the rolling subs with Sam coming on for Colin and right wing-back, but at this point Bathelona managed to capitalise on one of their occasional sorties forward. Having forced a corner on the right, the ball was swung into the far post where it was headed deftly into the top-corner of the goal, beyond the despairing dive of Tom and above the not-particularly-elevated head of Sam.

One each.

And so the scores remained until half-time, when Colin returned in place of Mike and Barely confirmed among themselves that despite the disappointment of conceding an equaliser, there were points to be had from this game. They just didn't suspect they would come in quite so spectacular a fashion.

When the second half started the teams were about honours even in terms of possession and goal threat, but as the minutes ticked by it was Bathelona who finally were having a period on top. They even celebrated a goal-line clearance by Sam as though they had scored, which was wasn't exactly the type of incident that Mark Lawrensen would say he's "seen them given". However Bathelona's purple patch was nullified by probably the finest Barely goal you'll have seen this season (admittedly there haven't been many). Chris took up possession in the middle of the Bathelona half and strode forward past a challenge, releasing the ball to Adam. Adam pushed it wide, past his marker and into the box, reaching the ball first and flicking it across into the danger area, where Chris was running in. It looked like the move might actually end there, as the ball came behind him, only for Chris to flick up a heel and knock the ball up over his own head - and the goalkeeper's grasp, coming to rest in the Bathelona net.

2-1 then and Barely's belief was reinvigorated. Suddenly they were back on top, with Chris and Adam combining well with Richie's surges forward. The Bathelona threat was still there, but with the clock ticking away so was their energy, and it felt that if there was another goal in the game it would probably come from Barely.

And so it was, with Chris completing his hat-trick with a cool finish over the keeper as he engineered some space for himself in the box.

The final whistle blew and a game played in great spirit, by and large despite the ref rather than because of him, concluded. Barely decamped to the pub to discuss the likelihood of survival, and the vote for man of the match was forewent as the universal agreement was that it should go to Chris. Not, as Mike authoratively clarified, simply for his goals, but for his all round play and drive on the day - serially clearing the Bathelona corners, pestering the Bathelona back line and at one point even popping up at centre-back, which is a rarity even when he's allegedly playing there.

But though Chris' award was just for all the reasons given above, it was a good day for the whole team, with Barely's first half performance in particular coming under the umbrella of 'vintage'. And who knows, with a win and three points under their belt, perhaps they have given themselves a chance of pulling off the great escape and prolonging their 1800 year stay in the Casuals top flight. The word on everyone's lips may still be relegation, but they've shortened the odds just a little...

BARELY UNABLE TO MAKE IT A BLUE MONDAY FOR EASTON

With 15 in the changing room the mood was good until it was remembered that there were not enough shirts to go around and outside the wind chill was severe enough to take the pillage out of the most enthusiastic Viking.

Without last time out MOTM Tom in goal it was volunteer time and with 13 backward steps it was a half each for Mike & Chris to take on the threat from Easton.

The game started brightly enough for Barely and although Easton were pressing there was no way past the imposing bulk of Mike in goal who repelled all with a series of tip overs and punches. Barely looked equally dangerous on the break with Jim and Adam having the legs on the Easton defence.  The deadlock was broken mid way through the first half when Jim got on the end of sharp move down the right side and a pass which split the defence - Barely's front man coolly slot past the advancing keeper.

However the lead was short-lived, as the Easton ref awarded a penalty for spot of wrestling by Ian J (hotly contested that is by this season's front runner for serial Ref baiter Ian J) 1-1.

Half time arrived with the teams equal and a change of personnel worthy of an England friendly match with Jim's mates Tom & Will on, Chris going into goal, & Jim (Batts) on. Mike, James & Adam having a rest. Danny held himself in deep reserve running the line and giving the pep talk.

The second half saw Easton take a grip on midfield that led to one-way traffic and three crosses, three goals for Easton. Barely, never a team to lie down and whimper started to claw their way back pushing the game more and more into Easton's half. Somewhere in the middle of the second half Jim and Chris's recruits fell by the wayside;– Will now warm after a 1^st half on the touchline, got even more heated, fell out with the ref and stropped off, Tom to a pulled muscle – come back Adam & James.  Another fine move down the right involving lots of player your correspondent can't remember led to the ball teed up in front of Rich Cormack to slot past the despairing keeper 2-4 and hope reared its head. More pressure and the Easton centre half's leg wrapping round Jim's chest lead to a penalty, taken by Jim but tragically turned round the post for a corner. Still Barely pressed and MOTM James crossed the ball into the hand of a Happy Monday defender – penalty number 2. Jacko took charge this time and full of precision and cunning as is his trade mark stroked the ball wide of the keeper and unfortunately the post. Hope kept its head down after this. The Barely record on penalties this season is a 25% conversion rate – practice on a Wednesday needed. Ian G has volunteered for the next spot kick if he can get that far up the pitch in time.

The game ground to an inevitable 2-4 end with Easton wrapping up the points to go mid table whilst Barely have more in common with Reading (or Bristol City).

Post game excitement surrounded, missing van keys and the confirmation that where cars are concerned Batts knows some dark skills.

Masters Pass Muster

Barely Athletic 2 PAS Masters 5

Goal: Nick
Defence: Batts, Jacko, Danny
Midfield: Ian J, Mike, Richie, Paul L, Sam
Attack: Adam, Paul T

No subs.

Barely's first league game of the season began - pre-whistle - in slightly ramshackle fashion, as the management scraped together just enough players to make a team and had to ask the opposition manager to referee. He charitably agreed,  and Barely kicked off facing away from the sun, which was just beginning to burn through the morning mist that lay heavy over Frys.

Barely began uncharacteristically sharply, with Paul and Adam striking up a good understanding in attack and Richie quick to support them. For the first ten minutes Barely were completely dominant, and it was no surprise when they took the lead; Adam deftly chipping the goalkeeper from an angle to capitalise on incessant Barely pressure. One-nil.

But just as the earth must turn away from the sun, every team in the casuals league will have it's moment, and for Barely a long night was looming. For some unfathomable reason the early form Barely showed swiftly dried up, and the Masters took control of the game, from a scoring perspective, until half-time. A cheeky header from a free-kick got them level, but there was an element of fortune about their second as the ball squirmed under Nick as he tried to snaffle it up. Then a welly home from a corner put Masters well and truly in charge, and the break came with Barely trailing 3-1. With no subs available Danny could only make tactical changes, with Mike going between the sticks, Nick into defence and Jacko pushed into midfield. Barely's adventuresome 3-5-1, with Ian and Sam as nominal wing-backs, stayed in place.

Again Barely started the half well, put a large amount of pressure on the Masters back line and Adam in particular targeted for some serial heavy challenges. But when the goal came Adam made it from nothing, controlling a ball as it dropped and then spinning to finish in the one place the keeper couldn't get to, just inside the far post. 3-2 and Barely were back in the hunt.

However as the scoreline shows as far as hunting went, that was it for Barely. They still had their moments - Paul Tovey's pivot and welly sailing just over - but the Masters defence held firm, and just as with the last game, as Barely chased more desperately they were open to being picked off, which Masters did with aplomb. Danny handled under pressure, and though Mike got close to the ball, the net billowed from the resulting penalty. 4-2 to Masters now and with time ticking away Barely saw their swashbuckling ball-winner Paul Loftus limp off after twisting his knee in a challenge.

Had this been a Hollywood movie someone would have stepped to the fore and had the game of their life to drag Barely by the scruff of their collective neck to victory. But Adam couldn't quite manage it and hence missed out on man of the match despite scoring two excellent goals. While he was failing at that Barely conceded the sort of comedy goal you see in beer ads, as they spiralled in confused circles, dazzled by the PAS Master give-and-go, and watched Mike saunter across his goal as the ball went in - having realised, as he correctly asserted later, that he wasn't going to get to the ball.

5-2 it ended then, and as was noted afterwards it wasn't really a 5-2 - something of a recurrent theme with Barely. When they eventually go down maybe they can console themselves that they "Aren't really relegated".

Apart from Adam's salvo and Paul Loftus' mostly-horizontal man-of-the-match performance (other m-o-m nominees were Richie, Jacko, Sam and King Of The Slide*, Batts), the other main highlight was Ian's newly-christened Gripe of the Week, which from a mixed bag of indignant protests he chose a throw-in taken from the wrong place. Our personal favourite was the time-wasting tactics at 4-2 down... what with Ian's entertaining skit on the wing, and a seven-goal battle in what eventually became blistering sunshine, football was the winner today. But sadly that doesn't get Barely any points.

*sliding tackle. Not the playground slide.

Barely Play Donkey's Arse Role in Dave Basset Panto

Banjo Vets 3  Barely Athletic 1

Goal: Tom
Defence: Ian J, Chris, Ian G, Nick
Midfield: Adam, Richie, Mike, Sam
Attack: Jim S, Paul T

Sub: Danny

The September grass is laced with dew, Mike is cracking jokes in the changing room, the manager is running late, Barely are out of the cup... it must be the first game of the season.

They say a stopped clock is right twice a day, but they never saw Barely attempt the first hurdle of the Casuals League's second-most-eminent competition, which is like watching a drowning man trying to juggle badly-set jelly.

As was noted after the game, it was far from the usual cow-on-a-stairlift performance Barely are capable of at the start of every season (and the first ten minutes of every game thereafter) but having gone behind half way through the second half, they could not find an equaliser and were sucker-punched on the counter-attack, to give Banjo's victory a little gloss.

It looked like Barely might buck the trend at the start, as they soaked up Banjo pressure and tried to break quickly. And it was one such attack that put them in the lead - a goal like you'd see on the telly, in fact. A combination of Richie, Jim S and debutant Paul Tovey saw the ball eventually despatched into the box from the left, where Adam met it with a diving header. It flew into the net and despite some erroneous calls for handball Hillmann's goal stood; 1-0 to Barely.

However the gold of a precious lead in the cup turned to shit in their hands only minutes later. It looked like Adam was pushed to the floor as he sprinted toward the box, but as a row broke out over the direction and intent of his flailing legs the ref - somewhat retiring, as refs go - allowed play to continue, and Banjo took advantage of the confusion to slot an equaliser past Tom.

At half-time Danny elected to make no changes, but encouraged the team to use both the time Banjo were allowing them and the width of the pitch better. And the second half was a fairly even affair for a while, although the signs were there of the coming doom in the comparative workload of the goalkeepers - Tom busy, his opposite number saving his strength for an argument with Jim in the closing stages of the game. And Banjo eventually took the lead, disappointingly from a corner, as an attacker nodded the ball deftly down to put the home team 2-1 up.

Giving up is not in the Barely DNA so there was no chance of a collapse, but as they pushed for an equaliser Banjo were finding more and more opportunities to counter-attack, and after Barely's best period of play in the game they got their third, giving the away team very little chance of a comeback. The best late drama they could offer was Jim being accused of diving by their goalie; once again as the debate continued the ref was nowhere to be seen. Perish the thought he's ever asked to attend an intervention.

So a disappointing defeat, but a game played in good spirit in the main, and no complaints from Barely. The day was remarkable for at least one thing from their perspective - being the first time Nick had done the full 90 minutes outfield in 4 years. Congratulations to one of Barely's elder statesmen!

Serial man-of-the-match winner Richie did it again, though there were also votes for runner-up Chris, Ian, Mike and Tom. Having got the inevitable out of the way, Barely can now concentrate on the league*. And at least we now know that you can hit a donkey's arse with a banjo.

*finishing fourth from bottom